Big Winter.

Big Winter’s alter-ego Danny. Danny is a softly spoken, generous human being. He aims to be a Mongolian throat singer when he grows up and keeps the top of his head covered for religious reasons.

Fabean Cervi. His parents knew when he first entered this world that his face captured the essence of existence. For this reason they kept him covered in protective foil from birth until he was 16 when they unveiled him to an audience of 600,000 in Venice. A rapturous standing ovation followed and since that day Fabean has been on a world tour of stadiums and theaters sharing his extraordinary face with the masses.

A young American soldier grieves the death of a fallen brother. 1944, colourised. It’s Forrest.

He’s one step ahead of the game. Hidden in plain sight but continually overlooked. Arvin has been taking your belongings and misplacing them. Have you ever lost your keys? Your headphones? If so, he’s the one you should be looking for.

It’s Val and her Asian bebby. She named it Val Junior after her favorite actor Val Kilmer. Val and Val Junior met on holiday in Bangkok where they spent long days at the beach having Piña Coladas.

Oksana, the Ukrainian version of the name Roxanne. Sting once sang ‘Roxanne you don’t have to put on your red light’, I don’t feel those lyrics apply here, but bees have a sting, Oksana’s hair is red(ish) and that’s one too many coincidences for my liking. Something spooky is going on here.

Gabriel is a charmer, with dazzling outfits and a warm smile. Some days he will bring you flowers or breakfast in bed. You’ll cuddle and spend the day holding hands. Soon night will fall and you’ll do it all again tomorrow.

“Excuse me! Please, would you be so kind and tell me the time?” Such a polite voice required attention and you turned swiftly around. There stood Matt, grinning. Tall and handsome, a part of you wishes to just stand there and admire him, but he asked you a question. You dive into your pockets and pull out your phone. You read the numbers, “it’s 12:47” you state. Such a simple sentence requires no practice but you stumble nervously on your words. Matt laughs and says “No no no”, pausing to take in your momentary shock. “It’s time for you to get a watch” he says. Gracefully he flashes his multicoloured watch, places his fingers on his chin and then turns and slowly walks away.

Out of the darkness comes a figure. It calls your name, you feel every hair on your body stand up. It cannot be? Last you saw him he was face down in the dirt with a fork in his neck. No man could survive such trauma! And yet, there he is, fleshy, smelly, pure. Martin.

Ben, lead writer of the award-winning TV series, CSI Miami. His own life inspires his work, claiming without it he’d be nothing.

The man himself. Jared.

If faces could talk I’m sure this one would speak kindly. Out of it might come compliments about your appearance, and even other pleasantries concerning your personality and important things like that. He might direct a cheeky smirk towards you, which may stun you to silence. You probably won’t realise but you’ll blush and exchange a faint smile back.

There’s madness in his eyes, true, but you’ve dealt with weirder people, you feel in control, your parents taught you well.

Without looking from your eyes he might stride abruptly towards you. I can imagine he walks as if angry at the ground beneath him. You’d notice this and, believing this anger controls him, you’d brace for impact. But no great impact would come, only his words gently bouncing against your myringa (you may have to Google that).

He might say, “you’ve spent a little too long doing what you’re doing.”

At the sound of that I imagine it is almost certain you’d feel weak at the knees. Yes, quite certain.

You’d probably spend the rest of the day wondering if what he said was profound or just something stupid he had come up with on the spot? How could his words have such an effect on you? & on your knees of all places!

But I wouldn’t think about it, it’s best not to worry.

Jared will be digitally pickling his friends against the ravages of time until an indeterminate point in the near or far future. Monitor his progress on Instagram @jaredandhisfriends.